In just a few days on Friday, October 27, my hubby and I will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary.
And although we recognize that 12 years is not a lifetime, we want to share with you our top 12 tips of ‘Don’t Do’s’ that have helped our marriage flourish:
1. Don’t Make your Spouse or Your Marriage an Idol.
Anything or anyone that takes the rightful place of our Lord in our lives is an idol. And if we’re not careful, we can make our spouse or our marriage an idol.
In her post entitled, “Don’t Let Your Marriage Become Your Idol,” Sheila Gregoire reinforces the truth that our purpose “is to glorify God in our everyday life. And when we do that we will end up loving our husbands more.”
The emphasis, however, has to be on serving God and His purpose for our lives — not force-fitting God into our plans, no matter how well-intentioned our actions may be.
2. Don’t try to Change your Spouse.
If we’re honest with ourselves, some of the “quirks” or oddities that we considered endearing when we were dating can become annoyances in our marriage.
Remember that this is the person you have chosen to love — not to fix. Regardless of these little annoyances.
Besides, each one of us has our own little idiosyncracies.
3. Don’t set Yourself up as Judge and Jury.
Two imperfect people need to look to Jesus as their Savior and God, the Father, as their ultimate judge.
If a man or woman usurps this role in the marriage, trouble lies ahead.
4. Don’t Compete with your Spouse.
So many couples appear to “jockey” for power or position in their marriage relationship.
Recognize that you’re on the same team: if he wins, you win. And the converse is true.
5. Don’t be Jealous.
Jealousy can be many things. Psychologists assert that jealousy is a way men and women react to exert control in a relationship.
It can also be a reaction to a perceived threat.
Getting control of your jealousy means getting control of your emotions — not your spouse.
The best way to counteract jealousy is to build trust in your relationship.
6. Don’t Always Insist on Your Way.
We’ve learned to ask the other, “How important is this to you?”
If on a scale of 1 to 10, it’s a “9” for him and a “2” for me, I’m going to defer to him and vice versa.
Since we don’t always share “importance values,” we can easily defer to the other once we understand the greater importance to them.
7. Don’t Suppress Individualism.
Each one of us has individual gifts, pursuits, and talents.
Within the context of a healthy marriage, each person needs to be free to pursue their dreams.
In a nutshell, don’t be a “wet blanket” to your spouse’s aspirations.
Instead, encourage them in their reasonable pursuits that honor God.
8. Don’t Take each other for Granted.
We lead busy lives. My guess is you do too.
To ensure we don’t take each other for granted, we’ve implemented some daily and weekly rituals that stoke our affection and appreciation for each other.
During the weekdays, I get up early to pray, read my Bible, read other books, and work on my blog.
Although he doesn’t have to, Rick gets up within a few minutes of me (and sometimes earlier) and makes coffee so that we can spend time together as well.
Every other week, we have a “date night” at a restaurant where we relax, talk about our goals and dreams, and just bond as a couple.
These two intentional “rituals” serve to cement our relationship, keep us grounded, and in love.
9. Don’t Embarrass Your Spouse.
There are probably few things more devastating to a man than to have his wife embarrass him in public.
Don’t ever intentionally do it. Not for a laugh —not to get even — not for any reason.
If unintentional, then apologize. And vow never to do it again.
Ditto for the man.
10. Don’t Bash Your Spouse.
When the negative barbs fly, everyone in hearing distance wants to run for cover.
Sadly, this type of behavior often says more about the character of the person lobbing the verbal tear-downs, than the person on the receiving end.
This is true even when the daggers are thrown under the guise of “humor.”
As Christians, we need to edify our spouses and give positive affirmation.
Or, if none can be given, choose to be quiet instead.
11. Don’t Overextend the Bank Account.
Even if money is abundant, not practicing good economics can eventually land you in financial trouble. Early in our marriage, Rick and I established an agreed upon spending limit that was very conservative.
This “cap” helped us to appreciate our budget limitations and also helped us make progress toward achieving future financial goals.
12. Don’t Go to Bed Angry.
The Bible tells us:
“In your anger, do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
— Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)*
Why? Because angry thoughts can become ugly actions.
When anger is present, it signals a need for a couple to talk.
Make it right between the two of you before going to sleep.
Remember, it’s okay to get angry for righteous reasons.
But it’s not okay to let anger consume you.
Do you have other examples of “Don’t Do’s” you would like to share?
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In the next post, we’ll cover the “12 Top Tips of ‘Do’s’ that Will Help Your Marriage Flourish”