Today, in honor of our 12th wedding anniversary, my hubby and I are sharing our “12 Top Tips of ‘Do’s’ that Will Help Your Marriage Flourish.”

Tuesday, we contributed our “12 Top Tips of ‘Don’t Do’s’ to Help Your Marriage Flourish.”

If you find kindred ground in either of these posts or want to share some of your own tips, please provide them in the comments.

We’d love to hear from you!

Here are our “12 Top ‘Do’s:”

1.  Do Make Christ the Center of Your Marriage.

A biblically based marriage keeps Christ as the head of the marriage between a man and a woman, a relationship intended to reflect the image of God:

“So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” (Genesis 1:27)

 The truest picture of marriage is that it symbolizes the love of Christ for us. And His desire for us all is that we be made more into the image of Himself.

We believe God blesses marriage as we strive to live according to biblical principles and truths. The biblical concept of marriage involves a oneness between a husband and wife that mirrors the oneness of Christ with His church.

2.  Do Make Your Spouse a Priority.

Always put your spouse first, after God.  One day the kids are going to move away, and you don’t want to find yourself living with a stranger.

Make the effort to invest in your marriage by spending quality time together.

What that means for you as a couple may be as simple as revisiting activities you did when you first started dating: going for a hike, going to a movie, going out to dinner, or just having fun sitting out on the porch swing together.

Quality time spent together, where your spouse feels loved and connected, need not cost a lot of money.

And it is invaluable to your marriage.

3.  Do Respect One Another.

 When you show respect for your spouse, you are demonstrating that you value them as a person. A key factor in a healthy marriage is focused listening and being open to your spouse’s point-of-view.

When your spouse is talking with you, it’s important to look your spouse in the eye showing that you are paying attention.

Also, do not interrupt them.  Allow them to share their heart, even when what they are saying may be difficult to hear.

“Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners.” — Laurence Stone

4.  Do Treat Each Other as Best Friends.

Best friends share a common bond and communicate often and well. They are vulnerable, are comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts and needs, and are good listeners.

Practice good, ongoing communication with your spouse, and you may soon discover your spouse is your best friend!

Know what else is important?

Best friends have “each other’s back.” You look out for one another and support each other — in good times and bad.

If there are hard truths to be said, these must always be shared in a spirit of love and kindness.

5.  Do Compliment Each Other.

We’re not suggesting that you provide insincere “flattery” or compliments that you don’t mean.

We’re talking about the daily opportunities where you can say “thank you” for the little things your spouse does.

It may be as simple as thanking  your spouse for cooking your favorite dish, cleaning up around the house, remembering to close the cabinet door, or to put the cap back on the toothpaste.

Or as simple as “You really did a nice thing by (fill-in-the-blank),” and “I appreciate your thoughtfulness.”

6.  Do Something Fun Together Daily.

Having fun with your spouse every day should not be viewed as a frivolous luxury resigned to a fortunate few. Playing and laughing together is not just for kids and friends — it’s for married couples too!

Plan fun things to do together. Going on a spontaneous, overnight trip can be lots of fun or, if you’re on a tight budget, choose some place close instead.

Simple excursions such as a picnic, going for an ice cream or for a walk in a park are also delightful ideas.

Going out into nature is always a plus; it helps us relax, helps diminish any lingering stress we have, and allows us to appreciate the beautiful world God has created.

Rick and I also enjoy going to bookstores and having coffee while we peruse the latest books on sale. The county library is also a good option for those on a strict budget.

Whatever you decide, the key is to enjoy your time together. 

7.  Do Something Meaningful Together.

It’s an old cliche to “live like this day might be your last,” but contained within this platitude is wisdom that we are mortal beings. There are only so many days assigned to us, so we need to make the best of it.

We want our lives to count — to have purpose — to have meaning beyond ourselves.

How can we accomplish something meaningful together with our spouses?

Here’s a few of our ideas:

• Find some way to serve together and do it wholeheartedly. Your service could be for a church, a school, a civic club, foster home, etc. Make a difference in the lives of those you are serving by sharing your talents and gifts.
• Take a pie, cake, or cookies to a different neighbor every week and visit with them. Tell them how much you enjoy and appreciate them. If your relationship with your neighbor is strained, go and make peace.  Try to forge a new and pleasant relationship.
  
• Share your spiritual journey and spiritual legacy with your family and friends. Talk about memories and important events in your life.  Above all else, teach your children and the spiritually lost about your faith and the reason for it. 

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” — 3 John 1:4 (NIV)*

8.  Do Pray Together.

Praying together regularly can be a significant bonding experience for you and your spouse, particularly if you’re willing to be vulnerable with each other.

Know what might surprise you?

In an article entitled, “The Data Don’t Lie: Couples that Pray Together Actually Do Stay Together,” for Christianity Today Magazine, Morgan Lee reports from his interview with W. Bradford Wilcox that, “the best religious predictor of being happy in a relationship is praying together as a couple.”

Being emotionally intimate means opening up, not only to God, but to your spouse about your greatest needs and concerns.  

9.  Do Get Enough “Zzzzs.”

We all need our sleep.

With a big yawn (excuse me), I confess that when I don’t get enough sleep, I get “cranky.”

Naps are a good remedy, short ones about 10-15 minutes, or sometimes if I’m feeling draggy and sleep-deprived, a good snooze can last 1 to 2 hours. Those times are rare and are usually reserved for some lazy Sunday afternoons.

After waking, though, I’ve noticed how my mood improves and how much more energy I have.

An article entitled, “Marriage Linked with Better Sleep,” by Tara Parker-Pope, in the New York Times, reported on two studies that suggest that sleep and relationship happiness are closely correlated.

Getting enough quality sleep may actually help solve conflict-related issues in your relationship; couples are encouraged to resolve problems before bedtime, and to avoid discussing “hot button” topics if either person has not slept well.

10.  Do Take Care of your Appearance.

Recently, I tossed out a pair of my favorite lounge pajamas. They were soft (with the warm, fuzzy fleece on the inside), stretchy and comfy.  And they had “Tweety” on them.

Yes, I’m a Tweety bird fan.

My hubby is not…at least of my PJ variety. The PJs were a little over the top, and I finally realized my husband was right.

“I taut I could wear them just about anywhere, but I taut wrong.”  🙄 

Appearance does matter, and its important that we can be honest with each other without being offended.

11.  Do Practice Forgiveness.

We are all flawed. Because we are flawed, we must be willing to forgive. 

We say things we don’t mean, or fail to say things that need to be said. We make mistakes — some more grievous than others.

Because none of us is perfect, we need to forgive and be forgiven. 

The simple truth is that for any true relationship to last, forgiveness must be practiced. Marriage is no exception.

Remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are denying the wrong done to you or the other person’s responsibility for hurting you.

Forgiveness allows you to forgive the person and to get on with your life. 

12.  Do Reminisce About Shared Experiences and/or Events.

Make a conscious effort to reminisce about pleasurable experiences that you and your spouse shared together.

Recalling special times spent together strengthens your relationship as you reawaken positive feelings connected to those experiences.

God wants you to celebrate your marriage.

Each anniversary is a reminder of His love for us and for each other.

Happy Anniversary Rick!

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.®Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

 

In just a few days on Friday, October 27, my hubby and I will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary.

And although we recognize that 12 years is not a lifetime, we want to share with you our top 12 tips of ‘Don’t Do’s’ that have helped our marriage flourish:

1. Don’t Make your Spouse or Your Marriage an Idol.

Anything or anyone that takes the rightful place of our Lord in our lives is an idol. And if we’re not careful, we can make our spouse or our marriage an idol.

In her post entitled, “Don’t Let Your Marriage Become Your Idol,” Sheila Gregoire reinforces the truth that our purpose “is to glorify God in our everyday life. And when we do that we will end up loving our husbands more.”

The emphasis, however, has to be on serving God and His purpose for our lives — not force-fitting God into our plans, no matter how well-intentioned our actions may be.

2.  Don’t try to Change your Spouse.

If we’re honest with ourselves, some of the “quirks” or oddities that we considered endearing when we were dating can become annoyances in our marriage. 

Remember that this is the person you have chosen to love — not to fix.  Regardless of these little annoyances.

Besides, each one of us has our own little idiosyncracies.

3.  Don’t set Yourself up as Judge and Jury.

Two imperfect people need to look to Jesus as their Savior and God, the Father, as their ultimate judge.

If a man or woman usurps this role in the marriage, trouble lies ahead. 

4. Don’t Compete with your Spouse.

So many couples appear to “jockey” for power or position in their marriage relationship.

Recognize that you’re on the same team: if he wins, you win. And the converse is true.

5.  Don’t be Jealous.

Jealousy can be many things. Psychologists assert that jealousy is a way men and women react to exert control in a relationship.

It can also be a reaction to a perceived threat.

Getting control of your jealousy means getting control of your emotions — not your spouse.

The best way to counteract jealousy is to build trust in your relationship.

 6.  Don’t Always Insist on Your Way.

We’ve learned to ask the other, “How important is this to you?”
If on a scale of 1 to 10, it’s a “9” for him and a “2” for me, I’m going to defer to him and vice versa. 

Since we don’t always share “importance values,” we can easily defer to the other once we understand the greater importance to them.

7.  Don’t Suppress Individualism.

Each one of us has individual gifts, pursuits, and talents.

Within the context of a healthy marriage, each person needs to be free to pursue their dreams.

In a nutshell, don’t be a “wet blanket” to your spouse’s aspirations.

Instead, encourage them in their reasonable pursuits that honor God.

8.  Don’t Take each other for Granted.

We lead busy lives.  My guess is you do too. 

To ensure we don’t take each other for granted, we’ve implemented some daily and weekly rituals that stoke our affection and appreciation for each other.

During the weekdays, I get up early to pray, read my Bible, read other books, and work on my blog.

Although he doesn’t have to, Rick gets up within a few minutes of me (and sometimes earlier) and makes coffee so that we can spend time together as well.

Every other week, we have a “date night” at a restaurant where we relax, talk about our goals and dreams, and just bond as a couple.

These two intentional “rituals” serve to cement our relationship, keep us grounded, and in love.

9.  Don’t Embarrass Your Spouse.

 There are probably few things more devastating to a man than to have his wife embarrass him in public.

Don’t ever intentionally do it. Not for a laugh —not to get even — not for any reason.

If unintentional, then apologize. And vow never to do it again.

Ditto for the man.

10.  Don’t Bash Your Spouse.

When the negative barbs fly, everyone in hearing distance wants to run for cover.

Sadly, this type of behavior often says more about the character of the person lobbing the verbal tear-downs, than the person on the receiving end.

This is true even when the daggers are thrown under the guise of “humor.”

As Christians, we need to edify our spouses and give positive affirmation.

Or, if none can be given, choose to be quiet instead.

11.  Don’t Overextend the Bank Account.

Even if money is abundant, not practicing good economics can eventually land you in financial trouble.  Early in our marriage, Rick and I established an agreed upon spending limit that was very conservative.

This “cap” helped us to appreciate our budget limitations and also helped us make progress toward achieving future financial goals.

12.  Don’t Go to Bed Angry.

The Bible tells us:

“In your anger, do not sin:  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

—  Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)*

Why? Because angry thoughts can become ugly actions.

When anger is present, it signals a need for a couple to talk.

Make it right between the two of you before going to sleep.

Remember, it’s okay to get angry for righteous reasons.

But it’s not okay to let anger consume you.

 

Do you have other examples of “Don’t Do’s” you would like to share?

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In the next post, we’ll cover the “12 Top Tips of ‘Do’s’ that Will Help Your Marriage Flourish”